I am spending my child support on dildos
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
