I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
