I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
