If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
