I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
