Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
