I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Someone signed my nipple.
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