If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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