she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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