i need an iv and a liver transplant
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
