she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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