As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My vagina is officially offended.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
