im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
