Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
