Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
