Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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