regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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