you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
