At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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