So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
