If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
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