If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you didnt know i had herpes?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
