I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
