just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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