In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
