even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
