a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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