Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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