Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
