Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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