Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
