The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and she was petting her beer can
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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