If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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