I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
