When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
