First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
