My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
