I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
