My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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