my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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