Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
