Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
