I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
