There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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