apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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