i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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