I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
