Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
