1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
