I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
